Unmotivated or Unable? How to Tell the Difference
In this follow-up to our popular episode “What to Do When Your Partner Lacks Motivation,” we dive deeper into an important listener question: How do you tell the difference between a lack of motivation and a lack of ability in your partner?
At first glance, these two challenges can look the same—lack of movement, stalled growth, avoidance. But understanding what’s really happening changes everything. In this episode, we break down the differences between someone who won’t move forward (lack of motivation) and someone who can’t (lack of ability or skill) and what it means for your relationship.
We share personal stories, examples from our work with couples, and practical ways to recognize the difference—so you can respond in a way that creates connection instead of frustration.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
⏳ [01:30] – The energetic difference between lack of motivation and lack of ability (and why it matters)
⏳ [04:30] – How lack of motivation shows up as stagnancy, avoidance, and numbing behaviors
⏳ [05:45] – What lack of ability looks like—movement, effort, clunky attempts, and vulnerability
⏳ [7:40] – Why imperfect attempts still build connection and intimacy
⏳ [10:45] – How motivation shows up when someone is pushing their personal edge
⏳ [13:30] – The importance of appreciating progress, even if it’s not perfect or complete
⏳ [20:00] – Why expecting your partner to think and act like you is a relationship killer
⏳ [21:15] – The truth about real relationships: effort and caring matter more than perfection
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need it. And don’t forget to leave a review—we’d love to hear how this podcast is supporting your healing journey!
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About Geoff Steurer:
I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children.
About Jody Steurer:
Jody has been a strong voice supporting women as co-host of the podcast “Speak Up Sister”. She completed a bachelor's degree in psychology from Brigham Young University and is an ACA certified coach. She runs a small business and has years of experience in corporate training and organization. Jody’s most challenging work has been raising her four children (two of which are on the autism spectrum). She loves to do landscape design, paint in watercolor, spend time outdoors, and snow ski.
The advice offered through Geoff Steurer's podcasts is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist during these podcasts, but rather using his training to inform the content. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients or patients, and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through the Content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.
Episode 289
