Should we have empathy for the betrayer? - KayLee Dunn - Episode 89
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About Geoff Steurer:
I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 24 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 12 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children.
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Podcast Description
In this episode I interview KayLee Dunn, a therapist who specializes in treating betrayal trauma and sexual compulsivity. We discuss the common dynamic of the betraying partner emotionally shutting down in the relationship, which can trigger fears from the betrayed partner that she's being abandoned, manipulated, or abused. For couples to heal, both partners ultimately need to regulate their own emotions as they learn how to share their needs with each other. It's challenging to make room for the betrayer's experience, but necessary for long-term relationship healing.
We discuss the following:
- Why it's hard to have empathy for the betrayer
- How the betrayed partner can have compassion without betraying herself
- The balance of expecting accountability while also inviting understanding of his experience
- The nature of shame in those who betray
- Fight/Flight/Freeze responses and shame
- Why it's hard to see the hurting/fearful/shameful guy
- "Quiet blame" and the damage it does
- What to do with a partner who is dysregulated
- How emotional dysregulation isn't always abuse or narcissism
More on KayLee's Background:
KayLee Dunn has been studying sexual and addiction/compulsivity and betrayal for 14 years and practicing as a therapist for 9 of those years. KayLee has extensive training in Attachment-Focused EMDR, Betrayal Trauma, Sexual Compulsivity, and Emotionally Focused Therapy. She has written articles, books, and podcasts on the topic. KayLee's biggest passion is to help her client heal from past traumas, see the present clearly, and ultimately build betrayal resilience. She currently co-facilitates a weekly free, private betrayal trauma group discussion for women across the world.
Additional Resources from KayLee:
solaceemotionalhealth.org/awake
IG: @kayleecdunn
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdEYwhgdA8ODTWKKltdeLcg
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1667836370046685
The advice offered through Geoff Steurer's podcasts is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist during these podcasts, but rather using his training to inform the content. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients or patients, and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through the Content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.
