Q&A with Geoff: How Do I Know if My Mentally Ill Husband Really Loves Me?

Question

I have known my husband for over 20 years since we were teenagers. We married in 2007 and he was diagnosed with schizophrenia a few months after we got married. Since I met him he was always very jealous and accused me of things and I always thought it was just because he loved me so much.

I would go out of my way to prove to him I was not doing the things he thought. He has relapsed a few times over the years. Initially, his diagnosis wasn’t sad for me. Instead, it was almost a relief because I knew that it was what caused the jealousy.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am so overwhelmed. It’s been a rollercoaster of dealing with his mental illness, intimacy issues, my childhood trauma and other challenges. About a year ago we were the closest we’ve ever been and things felt secure.

Then, a couple of months ago he started accusing me again of ridiculous things like being with my uncle or our teenage son’s best friend. He has been extremely agitated the last couple of weeks and wants nothing to do with me. Part of me thinks it’s his illness but the other part thinks maybe he really doesn’t love me. He’s telling our son he wants to move to find work by himself.

I don’t know what to think anymore or where to go for help. I’m dealing with anxiety that I am medicated for along with other things in my life. I’m trying to take care of him and the kids and work as I’m the main source of income. Recently my father was diagnosed with cancer and I feel like my husband intentionally picks bad timing for stress in my life to do this to me.

When do I know I can’t help him anymore? I cannot live without him and I don’t want to, but I can’t figure out if it’s his illness or just him not loving me anymore.

Answer

A serious mental illness like schizophrenia not only distorts reality for the one suffering, but also for those close to them. I can see your confusion about knowing how he really feels about you and your relationship, especially when you can’t always know who is doing the talking.

I honor your love and commitment to him and your family as you’ve sorted through two decades of difficult choices. While I can’t know what’s in his mind or heart, here are some thoughts on how you might care for yourself while you move forward.

I hope you have a strong support network in place not only for him, but especially for you.

When his illness causes him to disconnect from the reality of your love and devotion, you need to know that you are being held up by those who love you. You can’t predict where the illness will take him, but you can create a predictable network of loved ones who intimately understand you and your situation.

It’s also important that you’re closely involved in his medical and psychiatric care. While I think it’s important to allow our spouse to manage their own health, when dealing with a serious mental or physical illness, it requires a different type of arrangement.

It often works best to have someone case-managing medications, appointments and other treatments to help ensure compliance and consistency. I’m sure you already know this, as you’ve been working with this for so many years. However, it’s easy for these things to slip through the cracks from exhaustion and chaos.

If you aren’t already working with a qualified therapist who can keep a close eye on him and understand the nuances of how he shows up individually and relationally, then I strongly encourage you find one who can help him. While traditional couples therapy may not be appropriate right now, having someone who can help you sort through the confusing messages, set healthy limits and make agreements regarding parenting decisions.

There is simply too much for you to sort through without some outside perspective. You’re in a vulnerable position of needing him as your husband and needing him to be stable for the family.

You’re wondering when it’s time for you to stop helping him. While that’s a personal choice no one can make for you, I do think that you can make the choice to bring in additional supports that may not have been as necessary in the past. These individuals could be professionals and loved ones who can help surround all of you with support.

In complicated cases like this, I’ve found it helpful to have someone other than you take the lead on organizing the support. Supporting a loved one with a chronic mental or physical illness will break you without the proper support in place. I hope you can find the individual, marriage and family support you need to continue forward with clarity.