Q&A with Geoff: How Do I Deal with My Teenager’s Bad Attitude?

Question:

I have a teenage son who gives me serious attitude every time I ask him to do a chore around the house or pick up after himself. I don’t get what I’m doing wrong or what his problem is. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to me if I talked back to my parents in the same way he does with us! Is this something he’s going to outgrow? Any thoughts on how I can handle him?

Answer:

It can be overwhelming to experience power struggles with our children, especially when we’re asking them to do routine requests, such as housework. Those requests aren’t going to disappear, which ultimately sets both of you up for years of emotional standoffs. Here are a few thoughts that might help you replace strife with peaceful cooperation.

First, it’s important to recognize that, as children get older, our job as parents moves from managing their behavior to influencing their behavior. This starts within the first few years of life as we honor their simple and harmless preferences, such as what shirt to wear. As they grow up and decisions become more complex, we continue to influence their decisions by counseling with them about different options and potential outcomes. 

My point in mentioning this developmental reality is to help you consider how you might be approaching your request for chores. A manager would simply demand that the chore be completed immediately and would then stand over their child until it’s done. An influencer would make the request and give a reasonable time frame (if appropriate) and follow-up with the child after the time frame has passed. If the child doesn’t do the chore, then the influencing parent would hold the child accountable by having a brief conversation about why the chore wasn’t done and come up with a solution or consequence. 

This is not coddling that lets the child off the hook. Instead, it’s recognizing that this is the way healthy adults work with requests. When our teenagers feel respected, they are more likely to be more cooperative. Often, their resistance is their way of saving face in response to feeling disrespected.

You can also visit with him during a time when there are no chore requests and listen to his ideas on how chore time could go better. You can share what you’re experiencing and give him a chance to talk about his experience. When you allow him to problem-solve with you about the chore issues, he is more likely to buy in to the arrangement. 

It’s important to be clear about your primary goal. Is it getting a chore done? Is it teaching responsibility? Are you wanting to build a strong relationship? Often, it’s all three and it takes wisdom and creativity to influence while also running a home. 

Of course, there is nothing wrong with firmly reminding him that speaking disrespectfully in the family isn’t going to work. However, if you only focus on his bad attitude without recognizing there might be more going on under the surface, you’ll only create more resistance. If you see that the attitude is likely about him trying to save face so he doesn’t feel controlled, you can work on building a more respectful relationship. 

Intentional parenting doesn’t fit neatly into our busy schedules. This will take time, patience, and multiple attempts as you work to build a respectful and caring relationship with him.