Q&A with Geoff: I caught my 11-year-old daughter reading a trashy novel

Answer

It’s overwhelming to discover our children being introduced to ideas, attitudes and behaviors that we don’t support. As conscientious parents, we carefully curate our homes to be free of damaging influences as our children’s brains and bodies develop.

However, despite our best efforts to insulate our children from opposing ideas, they eventually discover the very world we don’t want them to see. Even though you’re overwhelmed with complex emotions right now, you’re wise to reach out for guidance so you can guide your daughter through this important stage of her development.

In the movie, “The Village,” writer and director M. Night Shyamalan introduce us (spoiler alert!) to a group of well-meaning modern-day parents who create a 19th-century-like Utopian community in the woods to shelter their children from the evils of society. It takes great effort to protect their children from discovering modern life.

Tragically, there is an attempted murder inside the village, and the parents have to decide how they will handle this breach of innocence while seeking outside medical help for the victim. This unexpected twist throws the parents into a crisis they hoped they’d never have to confront. While there is something quite refreshing about the purity and innocence these parents were able to create in their village, there is also a nagging sense that this Eden-like state couldn’t last forever.

This movie has always moved me as a father because I relate so directly with the struggle to protect my children’s innocence while also accepting the reality that they will eventually need to confront ideas and behaviors different from what is taught in our home.

This is a universal dilemma for parents as we wrestle with how to maintain our influence while our children move away from our direct supervision. We’d love to believe that we can forever protect them from harmful influences. However, this simply isn’t reality. 

You didn’t fail as a parent because your daughter discovered something that piqued her curiosity. It’s completely normal to be interested in something that suddenly becomes forbidden. And when she began reading the sexually explicit content, it’s also completely normal to be curious about this world.

Even though her introduction to this world happened in a way that overwhelms you, it’s important to remember the bigger vision of helping her make sense of these things for her own growth and development in a way that aligns with your family’s values.

Now that your daughter has been exposed, you have to quickly update your strategy so you don’t overwhelm her with your grief and guilt over the loss of her innocence. She needs your presence and direction now more than ever.

Let me share with you two things you can do immediately to help respond to this situation. I’ve already set the foundation for the first suggestion, which is to quiet down your own reactivity and fear. The goal can’t be a return to innocence.

Instead, the goal is to calmly and confidently help her make sense of the normal and healthy developmental path she’s walking. If you’re panicking and overwhelmed, she will get the message that something is wrong with her curiosity and desires.

Don’t confuse your frustration that she broke your rule about reading a book you hadn’t vetted with your panic that she’s now been introduced to graphic sexual content. Let her know that you are disappointed she disobeyed your request but that you’re now going to help her make sense of the things that she’s read. Keep the big picture in mind and recognize that you now have an opportunity to influence and support her as she learns about the world of bodies, sex, emotions and relationships.

My second recommendation builds on the first recommendation. Instead of punishing her for her curiosity, this is an important time to share accurate and healthy information that aligns with your values.

If you’ve delayed having the “sex talk” with your daughter, now is the time to put everything she’s just read into a bigger context of what’s healthy and unhealthy. She needs to know it’s not shameful to talk about bodies and sex. She needs to know the correct names for all body parts for both girls and boys. She needs to know that her curiosity and interest in sex is normal and healthy.

There is a lot to cover and you may feel like you’re now behind since she’s discovered graphic sexual content. Please don’t diminish the important influence you can have on her life. You have the ability to help her translate and make sense of everything she’s read and more. She needs to know you’ll be by her side as you ask her what she understands, and then you continue sharing healthy and accurate information.

Remember that the days of “the talk” with our kids are a relic of the past. Instead, we need to engage in “the talks” with our kids on a regular basis about their changing bodies, their powerful desires, their emotions, and the messages they’re receiving on a daily basis from peers and media. You can learn effective ways to continue these discussions with your daughter instead of trying to restore her back to a state of innocence that won’t serve her own personal growth.