Q&A with Geoff: How can I help my depressed husband get help?

Answer

I’m sorry to hear that both you and your husband are struggling. We all want our homes and marriages to be harbors in the storm, but when they feel like they are the storm, it’s difficult to find rest. Of course, you are worried for your husband’s safety and the future of your marriage. These are very serious concerns, so let me share some ideas on what you can do.

They are brave and strong individuals, but they are also human and cannot be expected to live lives unaffected by these extreme situations.

Trauma often shows up as depression and substance abuse. These are common reactions to try and cope with unbearable pain. Of course, depression is complicated, and I don’t pretend to have all the answers without meeting directly with your husband. Therefore, it’s important for him to have an individual assessment from a licensed therapist or psychologist.

Generally, police departments have resources to help officers receive assessment and treatment for trauma.

I recognize that he has been resistant to getting help, but he may be resisting couples work because he doesn’t want to feel like more of a failure in your eyes. He probably already knows that he’s under functioning, but doesn’t know what else to do.

If you suspect that he is suicidal or losing more of the functioning he needs to take care of himself and his family, there’s nothing wrong with you intervening and getting the appropriate help for him. Many people who are severely depressed or traumatized need advocacy and support to get that first appointment so they can start to get some traction.

I encourage you to start here with him. Even though there are other marital relationship dynamics that will need attention in the future, his safety and well-being are at risk. Isolating, drinking and relationship struggles are all huge risk factors. If he chooses not to get any help for himself, it’s essential that you find support for yourself.

You can spend all of your energy trying to drag him into healing that you end up wearing yourself out. If you have children, you need to be available for their needs. It’s unlikely they are getting much from him and you may be their only healthy connection.

You may have tried to be subtle or careful with him since he seems so sensitive and fragile right now. While I certainly encourage you to be kind, it’s also important to be clear and direct with him about your concerns for his well-being. Validate the struggle that he might be having as a police officer who regularly faces horrible things.

Normalize it for him and let him know that he’s not weak or pathetic for struggling with it. It’s difficult for men to be open about our experiences, but it’s really the only way we heal. I hope he can feel your love and loyalty as you invite him to get the healing he deserves.